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I’m in revolt against the “nooz”. I’m in revolt against a lot at this moment.

Over the past week, I’ve become very present to the litigious rat maze that the US has become over the course of my life and how pretty much anyone I know, people who are productive members of society, who are non-violent and reasonable can be capriciously “popped”and even face time in the slam.

In 2011, the United States had 4.4% of the world’s population and the highest prison population rate in the world, at 716 per 100,000 people. That accounted for about 22 percent of the global prison population (10.2 million). The United States has about six times Canada’s rate, between six to nine times Western European countries, and between two to 10 times Northern European countries.

Decades ago, the United States’s prison systems set a model for European countries. US trends reversed and incarceration rates soared, with the introduction of for-profit prisons and for-profit police departments.

The latter used to “Serve and Protect” their communities. Now they harvest them. Very often, police officers do not reside in the communities that they patrol.

Meanwhile, the racketeers at the helm of the US Government walk free, members of a crime syndicate vaster than any other in the history of humankind.

What better way to send up this horrific state of affairs than to make it into a late night infomercial? Two emblems of Americana – prison and infomercials. Buy one and get one free for only $19.95, including shipping and handling! Satisfaction Guaranteed! If not completely happy with your order, return for a full refund but please keep your complete set of Ginsu knives as our special gift to you!

This CollegeHumor sketch is based on the true story of the wildly successful late night ShamWow hocker, Vince Shlomi in 2009. “According to an arrest affidavit, Shlomi met Sasha Harris, 26, at a Miami Beach nightclub on February 7 and subsequently retired with her to his $750 room at the lavish Setai hotel. Shlomi told cops he paid Harris about $1,000 in cash after she ‘propositioned him for straight sex.’

“Shlomi said that when he kissed Harris, she suddenly ‘bit his tongue and would not let go.’ Shlomi then punched Harris several times until she released his tongue. The affidavit, a copy of which you’ll find here, notes that during the 4 AM fight Harris sustained facial fractures and lacerations all over her face (she is pictured here in mug shots snapped following busts in 2008 and 2005).”

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Alexandra Bruce

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1 comment

  • As is usual, your dense intro write-up is expression of the frustration many ‘Murikunz n Americans’ feel and are rapidly becoming frustrated with…freakin’ 20% of the world’s prison population in the land of the free, home of the brave and the most affluent used to be society on earth or in history…howz that work anyway?
    No Shit, There I Was…great, though eventually redundant series of books btw.

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