Alexandra Bruce
December 5, 2014

Young bar scene.

Brittany: Amy, we’ve been friends for a really long time now, which is why I feel comfortable telling you that I think you’re in a bad relationship.

Amy: What?! No, it’s just because you’re on the outside looking in.

Brittany: No, you deserve better!

Amy: My relationship with my country is great. I love America.

America: (Waltzes in) Hey, Babe, (kisses Amy).

Brittany: “How did you know she was here?”

America: “Uh. I read her emails,” (Off-camera sound of text notification on Amy’s phone). “Hey! Who the f#@k is texting her? Hmm. It’s, just you’re mom, that’s…fine.”

Brittany: “You let him look at your phone?”

Amy: “I don’t like it, but…what can I do…?”

America: “Anyway, I really need a beer. Do you have any money? I’m really in debt.”

Amy: (Opens purse, gives him a fold of dollar bills. America takes the fold of bills and the purse).

Brittany: “I really don’t like the way he treats you. He’s always getting into fights.”

Amy: “He’s not getting into fihgts, he’s breaking up fights – sometimes by starting fights…

Brittany: He’s in a fight right now!

(America smashes another man’s face on the bar) “Nobody messes with MY friends!)

Amy: “I’m sure it’ll be over soon.”

Brittany: “He never follows through what what he says he’s going to do,”

Amy: “It’s just that he’s really busy and he’s got a million voices telling him what to do – well, 538…”

Brittany: “He cares more about his rich, business buddies than he does about you.”

(America looks at a pint of beer and says, “Somebody told me I can’t take this? Well don’t tell anybody!” and he proceeds to chug. Amy sighs).

Amy: “America’s my country, OK? He the smartest…

Brittany: Debatable

Amy: …the strongest…

Brittany: Not important…

Amy: …and he got so many Olympic medals – and guns!

Brittany: I don’t know that that’s a good thing.

Amy: “The thing that you don’t understand about America is that, I can change him. I just have to make my voice heard.”

Brittany: “Can you, really, though?”

America: (Swoops in). “Of course she can.”

Brittany: Were you just eavesdropping on us?”

America: “It shouldn’t matter, if you don’t have anything to hide.” (Smiles).

Brittany: “It’s no OK!”

America: (To Amy) “Did you tell her about my guns?”

Brittany: “What about her? Can she read all of your stuff?

America: “Of course she can! There’s a little something called the Freedom of Information Act.” (He whips out a phone with a text from ‘Saudi Arabia,’ the entire contents of which are blacked-out).

Btrittany: “There’s nothing there.”

America: “That’s enough of that! I need to take a WikiLeak!” (Walks off screen).

Amy: “But I LOVE America! God Bless this Country! These colors don’t run, US…A…”

Brittany: “You say that a lot. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s you, you’re trying to convince, not me. What can America give you that no other country can?”

Amy: “Free re-fills…?”

Brittany: “That’s not a reason to stay.”

America: (Steps back into the frame). Oh, and I’ve been thinking about it and I’m not going to pay for your birth control anymore.”

Amy: (Looks caught off-guard). “That’s it. I’m done making excuses for you!” (Amy jumps off the bar stoll and struts away).

America: “What? But I love you!”

Amy: “That’s what you say every 4 years!”


Amy: Emily Axford
Brittany: Kirby Howell-Baptiste
America: Greg Tuculescu

Writers: Emily Axford and Mike Trapp

Contributed by


You Might Like

Alexandra Bruce

View all posts

Add comment


Most Viewed Posts