December 5, 2014
Young bar scene.
Brittany: Amy, we’ve been friends for a really long time now, which is why I feel comfortable telling you that I think you’re in a bad relationship.
Amy: What?! No, it’s just because you’re on the outside looking in.
Brittany: No, you deserve better!
Amy: My relationship with my country is great. I love America.
America: (Waltzes in) Hey, Babe, (kisses Amy).
Brittany: “How did you know she was here?”
America: “Uh. I read her emails,” (Off-camera sound of text notification on Amy’s phone). “Hey! Who the f#@k is texting her? Hmm. It’s, just you’re mom, that’s…fine.”
Brittany: “You let him look at your phone?”
Amy: “I don’t like it, but…what can I do…?”
America: “Anyway, I really need a beer. Do you have any money? I’m really in debt.”
Amy: (Opens purse, gives him a fold of dollar bills. America takes the fold of bills and the purse).
Brittany: “I really don’t like the way he treats you. He’s always getting into fights.”
Amy: “He’s not getting into fihgts, he’s breaking up fights – sometimes by starting fights…
Brittany: He’s in a fight right now!
(America smashes another man’s face on the bar) “Nobody messes with MY friends!)
Amy: “I’m sure it’ll be over soon.”
Brittany: “He never follows through what what he says he’s going to do,”
Amy: “It’s just that he’s really busy and he’s got a million voices telling him what to do – well, 538…”
Brittany: “He cares more about his rich, business buddies than he does about you.”
(America looks at a pint of beer and says, “Somebody told me I can’t take this? Well don’t tell anybody!” and he proceeds to chug. Amy sighs).
Amy: “America’s my country, OK? He the smartest…
Amy: …the strongest…
Brittany: Not important…
Amy: …and he got so many Olympic medals – and guns!
Brittany: I don’t know that that’s a good thing.
Amy: “The thing that you don’t understand about America is that, I can change him. I just have to make my voice heard.”
Brittany: “Can you, really, though?”
America: (Swoops in). “Of course she can.”
Brittany: Were you just eavesdropping on us?”
America: “It shouldn’t matter, if you don’t have anything to hide.” (Smiles).
Brittany: “It’s no OK!”
America: (To Amy) “Did you tell her about my guns?”
Brittany: “What about her? Can she read all of your stuff?
America: “Of course she can! There’s a little something called the Freedom of Information Act.” (He whips out a phone with a text from ‘Saudi Arabia,’ the entire contents of which are blacked-out).
Btrittany: “There’s nothing there.”
America: “That’s enough of that! I need to take a WikiLeak!” (Walks off screen).
Amy: “But I LOVE America! God Bless this Country! These colors don’t run, US…A…”
Brittany: “You say that a lot. Sometimes, I wonder if that’s you, you’re trying to convince, not me. What can America give you that no other country can?”
Amy: “Free re-fills…?”
Brittany: “That’s not a reason to stay.”
America: (Steps back into the frame). Oh, and I’ve been thinking about it and I’m not going to pay for your birth control anymore.”
Amy: (Looks caught off-guard). “That’s it. I’m done making excuses for you!” (Amy jumps off the bar stoll and struts away).
America: “What? But I love you!”
Amy: “That’s what you say every 4 years!”
Amy: Emily Axford
Brittany: Kirby Howell-Baptiste
America: Greg Tuculescu
Writers: Emily Axford and Mike Trapp